Battle of the Past

Battle Near Home (Gettysburg)

My mind is a stir of thought.  Fear nags like a pesky fly, determined to penetrate my deepest wells.  Each day I seek peace, quiet and tranquility but the constant conflict of life refuses to submit.  I become weary of the battle, too tired to stand guard.  If it is not a friendship gone sour, it’s a boss causing difference or a phone number emitting fear.  The lessons continue whether I want them or not.  Do I want to be a student or just a bystander of ignorance?  I learn to create boundaries with those whom I’m exposed.  I guard my words with caution with those who judge my steps.  I see how quickly a phone call can become a whirling mess. 

I ever hold the pain of friendships gone sour.  The scars refuse to leave but I seek a means to try.  I remember every broken word, stored in my deepest cellars.  The door remains locked except to enter a new offense.  No matter how hard I try to clean those dingy cellars something remains.  They leave their essence in a hair, a nail or a left over sandwich.  Always some little particle of their time with me remains. 

God heals and forgives, gives us the means of moving forward.  Does that mean the pain stops, the hurts don’t continue?   Like a pack of hungry dogs that nip at our heel?  God opens the doors to our future but the past doesn’t always depart.  We learn to focus forward, to ignore the hungry dogs.  They whine for our attention but refuse to submit.  They may fall behind and grow silent at times. Every dog we attract follows us still, whether ferocious or whimpering. 

Even on a chalk board washed clean, some form of the past still stays. Imprinted in the background of what is to be written.  Each pain, each hurt, does it not affect the future?  If I did not still remember some aspect of the past would I not just continue to be the same offender?  To repeat falls of my own weakness and blunder, to ever continue to run the same hamster wheel? 

Even though I grow weary of the battle, I know each pain has a purpose, each fear a tool for the building of my future.  With each wound I grow stronger, the wisdom of understanding grows deeper.  I realize ignorance is foolish.  If I remain ignorant of things of the past then how do I become a force for the future?  Each hurt, each wound drives me to never give up, never stop the endless battle to move forward.  Is it foolishness for me to believe this way?  Is it possible to just be a true pacifist, to never take part in the battle, to ever seek peace?  

In this world, the only giver of peace is Christ Jesus himself.  He is the bearer of peace and the strength of our armor.  No matter the pain, his love is ever near.  Only he has the power to change our past from a weight at our feet to the sword in our hand.  With every pain, every offence, my armor grows stronger.  The memories become tools instead of thorns in my mind.  Christ calls the battle continue and the march continue on.  But no matter how ferocious the battle, the Commander is always near.

“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”  John 16:33 (NKJV)